The need for consistency in parenting cannot be over-emphasized. You need to be consistent in what you say and do, and you need to be consistent between the two of you.

If you are not consistent, your child gets ample opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for the child.

See, if these suggestions will help:

First off, the key to both staying calm and maintaining consistency is to have a plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to deal with particular situations.

Having done that, when you find yourself in that situation you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.

Without that, you will find yourself put on the spot and, not having a plan, you will simply react with the first idea that comes to mind (which often involves a lot of yelling and threatening!) And next time you will probably react differently.

Set your priorities right. Be firm on the matters you consider important and relent on the unimportant issues. Remember, your child is not a replica of you. Allow some space to your child to grow into an individual in his own right as long as he doesn’t overstep the basic norms of good behavior.

As a family you can decide certain norms that are essential and others that are preferred behavior. For instance, some mothers allow their children to put their feet on the sofa, others don’t. It’s up to you. What is important is to stick with what you have decided. Don’t keep changing your stance every now and then.

Most of the stressful moments come from these grey areas. The confusion is more in your mind and you transfer it to your child. You can’t afford to dilly-dally. Make up your mind and you will see how the stress vanishes.

But what if you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it?

No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power struggle between you?

I am not suggesting that you should agree on everything - but you should be able to agree to disagree. The important point is that no matter what your differences of opinion you should support each other in the presence of the children.

Otherwise the kids will simply go from one parent to the next looking for the answer they want.

So, once again, the key to consistency between parents is the same as being consistent yourself - plan ahead. Spend time discussing your rules and expectations so that you can come up with a coherent plan. One way to do this is to read a parenting book together and then discuss it.

Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.

You can only be true to yourself. The same for your partner.

This is the kind of situation children learn to exploit very soon. For instance, if one parent is permissive and the other is authoritarian, the children will quickly work this out to suit their interests.

This is an unfortunate situation and the sooner the gap between you is reduced the better it would be, otherwise it will create more problems in daily life. Since you cannot change the other, it is advisable to make some changes in your attitude. At least it will be more consistent for the children.

If your behavior is not consistent, then the situation can become so bad that one parent will completely destroy the credibility of the other parent. This kind of situation should not be allowed to continue. It is time to think seriously about your relationship and what to do about it. The children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will fall in your own estimation.

The secret is to look at yourself more critically than you look at others. Often, it is your habit that rules your behavior not reason. The golden rule is to change yourself first rather than wait for the other to change first.

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